The Three Steps

Many of us believe if we can just find the right information, that is all we will ever need as parents.  As long as we know what we are supposed to do and why, everything will be fine.  If things don’t go well, we will simply find better information to overcome those parenting challenges that are giving us trouble.  And for a small percentage of parents, that is true.  

Unfortunately, for most of us, that is not true.  For us, even the best information will take us only so far.  For us, knowing what we are supposed to be doing is not the same thing as being able to actually do it.  For instance, we might know we are not supposed to yell at our children, but that does not mean we will be able to hold our tongue in the heat of the moment.  We might have learned how to set up and apply a consequence, but that is no guarantee we will be able to actually do it with a real child. 

This became pretty clear to me as I worked with more and more parents.  Most parents were pretty excited about what they were learning.  They could not wait to try it out with their children.  But session after session or class after class some of them would come back frustrated and disappointed.  Things did not go as they had hoped.  

When I checked in with them, they remembered what they had learned just fine. That was not the problem. The problem was they could not make it happen in real life.  They could not get it to work with their children.  For them, knowing what they were supposed to do was not enough.  They needed something more, and they were a little confused as to what that might be.  I realized I needed to present the whole process much more clearly, so I came up with this three step model:

Step one: knowledge.  What do we need to know?  As parents there are so many things we need to know.  For example: Children need to be loved.  Children need boundaries. 

Step two: understanding.  Knowing is not enough.  We must also understand.  Knowing children need love and boundaries will not help us if we do not have a good enough understanding of what those realities mean.   Why do children need love?  Why do they need boundaries?

Step three: effective action.  Knowing and understanding is not enough.  We must also be able to act effectively.  Understanding our child’s love and relationship needs must become words and actions that actually meet those needs.  Understanding the need for boundaries must become words and actions that successfully set and maintain those boundaries.

For many parents, the three steps are a game changer.  By turning each step into a question, we can quickly see what and where our challenges are in any given situation.  We should ask ourselves these questions for any parenting issue that is giving us trouble.  

Step one: knowledge - do I know what I am supposed to do?  

Step two: understanding - do I understand why I am supposed to do it? Do I know what I am trying to accomplish?

Step three: effective action - do I have the skills and confidence to actually do it?  

Let’s take a closer look at these three steps.

The first two steps are quite similar in that they both happen mostly in our minds.  Parents usually grasp what’s involved with the first two steps pretty easily: knowing what we are supposed to do; understanding why we are supposed to do it.  

That third step, though - it’s a beast.  It’s a whole different kind of animal.  We have to actually do something with real children in real life in real-time.  Yikes!  We have to get out of our heads and actually deal with the child standing right before us - or crying, or screaming, or pulling her sister’s hair, or pouring milk on the floor, or having a tantrum, or completely ignoring us as if our words make no sound at all.  

These kinds of challenges can be pretty tough, especially if we have a clever and determined child who seems to outmaneuver us at every turn.  No wonder so many of us keep retreating back to steps one and two desperately hoping for a magic answer that will help us conquer step three.  But researching new ideas - or rethinking and rearranging all of the parenting information we already have rolling around in our heads is not the way forward.

We think we have an information problem, but we really have a skills problem.  Effective action requires skill. 

If we do not have the skills and the confidence to implement the knowledge and understanding we already have, pursuing new information or revisiting old information is not going to help us.  We need to develop our skills and build up our confidence.       

But step three does not have to be as scary or intimidating as we might think.  It just takes a willingness to learn and some real effort.  The truth is, all of us have already conquered step three many times in our lives.  If we can tie our shoes or drive a car or read and write, we have successfully made our way from knowledge to understanding to effective action before.  All of us have developed a wide range of skills in our lives already.  It does not matter if we are talking about playing the piano, riding a bicycle, learning a new language, sailing a boat, playing tennis, cooking a meal, or parenting a child.  The process is always the same.  

That sounds simple enough.  So why is it so easy to get overwhelmed and disoriented when it comes to parenting?  Well, we can start with this: parenting requires an incredibly large range of knowledge, understanding, and skills.  That’s pretty overwhelming all by itself, but the real challenge is the children.  None of them are alike!  Every child is different!  Sometimes surprisingly different.  What works beautifully with one child might not work at all with the next child.  What worked well with a child on Tuesday might lead to a meltdown with that very same child on Wednesday.  How crazy is that?  Hey, I never said parenting is easy.

Let’s walk our way through the three steps using a fairly common reality.  I wish I could tell you I never had this problem, but I can’t because my children might see this web page. 

Knowledge: according to pretty much everybody, we are not supposed to yell at our children just because they do stupid, inappropriate stuff that can be unbelievably aggravating and annoying.  I think most of you know what I am talking about.  The truth is, we are not supposed to yell at our children at all - unless they are about to run into the street.  So, no yelling is the knowledge piece.  It is as simple as that.  We are not supposed to yell at our children.

Understanding: knowing we are not supposed to yell at our children is not enough.  We need to understand why we are not supposed to yell at our children.  Here are some things I have observed: it can wreak havoc with the parent/child relationship; it can make a child doubt our love for them, it can trip everyone’s fight or flight response (nothing good happens after that); it can chip away at our child’s identity; it makes us look weak and unstable; it shuts down learning; it does not resolve the issue.  That’s a pretty good start to the understanding piece.  We need to understand how our yelling impacts the situation and our children. 

Almost always, the deeper our understanding becomes, the more motivated we are to change things for the better.   

Effective Action: knowing we are not supposed to yell, and even understanding why is not enough.  We have to actually stop yelling in real-life, in real-time, in real situations, with real children.  That is the effective action piece.   Turning that effective action piece into reality always begins with some kind of decision.  In this case, “I will stop yelling at my children.”  (“I will yell less” is significantly less effective.)  If we don’t make a clear decision and commit to it, our effective action is pretty much doomed from the start.  

What might this look like in real life?  Let’s say our child just knocked over the same lamp for the millionth time.  The three hundred and forty-two times we told her to stay away from that lamp flash before our eyes.  Our emotions threaten to explode.  We want to yell.  Oh boy, do we want to yell.      

We are no longer in an academic exercise about yelling.  This is real.  This is happening right now!  The next five seconds will determine which way this is going to go.  There is no time, and there is no point to going back and reviewing the first two steps.  We already know what we need to know.  We already understand what we need to understand.  We already made our decision. 

That is as far as our knowledge and understanding can take us.  They can take us no further than that.  We are on our own now, and there is no where to hide.  What is going to come out of our mouths?  What is our body language going to communicate?

This is our moment of truth, friends.  Do we have the skills and emotional control to respond calmly and not yell?  Do we have the determination we need?  If not, we are going to end up yelling.  It is as simple as that.  There is no mystery here that needs to be solved.  Without the skills and determination we need to overcome yelling, we will not overcome yelling.  (If we are easily and intensely triggered emotionally, we need to look into that. Otherwise, our best efforts to develop and strengthen the skills we need will keep being sabotaged.)

If we are committed to doing better next time, we have some work to do.  We must develop and strengthen our “not-yelling” skills.  That takes training and practice.  First, we need to figure out some better ways to respond.  Then, we have to practice those ways in our minds, and we have to practice them in real life.  We have to actually go through the motions until we get the hang of it, just like any other skill.  Without intentional and focused practice, without going through the motions, our skills will not get better.  Nothing will change.  We will still be yelling at our children months and even years from now.

So what kinds of skills are we talking about?  In this situation: being aware of ourselves (before we yell), getting control of our emotions (before it’s too late), using the cognitive/thinking part of our brain, acting like a calm parent using pre-planned, pre-rehearsed alternative-to-yelling responses (fake it till you make it).  We practice and practice these skills until they become ingrained and natural - until they become our new normal. Don’t worry, our children will give us all the opportunity to practice we could ever need.   

That’s actually a great way to look at it - my wonderful child has graciously given me yet another opportunity to practice how to respond calmly and effectively without yelling.   That kind of attitude can really take the edge off and significantly improve our chance of success.  Developing and strengthening skills takes time and repetition.  There is no way around that reality, but the sense of accomplishment and deep satisfaction that follow are always worth the effort.

Hopefully, this example gave you a better understanding of each of the three steps and what they might look like in real life.  Situations that give us trouble get the three step treatment.  We ask the questions and do the work.  We keep at it until we know what we need to know, we understand what we need to understand, and we have developed the skills to turn that knowledge and understanding into effective action.  As we get better and better at this, turning our good intentions for our families into reality becomes easier and easier.  How great is that?