“Making” our children behave is not our job
Have you ever tried to “make” a child behave even when that child has no intention of behaving? I know I am not the only one who has ever tried that. During these moments, it seems like the harder we try to make a child do something, the more that child resists. Or the more we try to prevent or stop a child from doing something, the more that child becomes determined to do it. And how about his one? Sometimes, the child simply ignores us like we are not even there. Moments like these can overwhelm even the most loving and well-intentioned among us.
I have watched frustrated parents resort to everything from pleading, nagging, lecturing, and arguing all the way to scolding, shaming, yelling, demanding, and even threatening. That is what tends to happen when we try to “make” our children behave. I have tried all of these approaches in moments of desperation. The thing is - I don’t remember these kinds of confrontations ever working out very well. Even when they do manage to produce a quick or temporary victory, it does not feel like a victory. It feels hollow. It feels like nothing has really changed. That is because all of these approaches are trying to accomplish the wrong thing.
“Making” children behave is not our job! That is our children’s job. It is their job to make themselves behave, not ours.
Our job is to make sure our children understand their job, accept their job, and actually do their job.
I love watching parents react when I tell them, “Making children behave is not our job. That’s their job.” When they realize I am serious, the questions are quick to follow. And so it begins - the challenge of raising children who know and understand that their behavior, attitudes, and choices are their responsibility.
Once we fully grasp the difference between making our children behave and helping our children make themselves behave, raising children with good and kind hearts, strong and dependable character, and great life skills becomes much more likely.
Most of the parents I work with love the idea of children who make themselves behave, even if they are a bit skeptical at first. Not having to make their children behave would be such a huge relief. It would be like a dream come true. But, before anyone gets too carried away, we have not just stepped into some magical Hallmark movie. Our children are not going to make themselves behave just because we want them to. They need our help. They need our encouragement and guidance. They need us to lovingly and effectively hold them accountable for their behavior, choices, and attitudes. Our children are depending on us to do our part so they can do theirs.
Here are four reasons why trying to "make" or force our children to behave is misguided and counter productive.
1) The Wrong Battle When we participate in trying-to-make-our-children-behave battles, we actually legitimize those battles in the eyes of our children. We have inadvertently reduced parenting to a battle of wills or a game of wits. The unspoken agreement: we are going to try to make our children do what we want them to do, and they are going to try to do what they want to do.
The child’s focus is no longer on learning how to behave or how to be responsible. The child is now focused on what they want to do or what they can get away with. The battle of wills and the game of wits has begun.
2) The Wrong Message When we try to make our children behave, we communicate the wrong message. Most children will internalize the meaning of our actions as, “I don’t believe in you. I don’t believe you are smart enough or capable enough or good enough to do the right thing. That is why I have to make you do it.” That is the last thing we want rolling around in our children’s heads.
When we encourage our children to learn how to make themselves behave, we communicate the opposite message. “I believe in you. I believe you are smart enough, and capable enough, and good enough to figure this out and do the right thing.” That is exactly what we want rolling around in our children’s heads.
3) The wrong parenting style "Making" children behave is what authoritarian parenting is all about. Compliance is much more important than relationships. Countless studies have shown that authoritarian parenting gets lousy results - especially when it comes to relationships.
Authoritative parenting, on the other hand, gets the best results of all the parenting styles. Authoritative parenting balances boundaries and rules with caring relationships. Effective discipline and genuine connection are both important. Why do you think I chose the name - The Loving And Effective Parent?
4) The Wrong Target Behavior is important, but what drives that behavior is far more important. Behavior is a surface issue. What drives that behavior happens internally, below the surface in our children’s heart, mind, and will. That's the real target. That's where we must connect with our children and hold them accountable for their behavior. They need to learn how to manage their own thoughts, emotions, actions, and attitudes.
Our children have to do this internal work themselves; we cannot do it for them. They have to figure it out. They have to work their way through it. That is where emotional maturity and self-regulation come from.
If we keep trying to make or force our children to behave, we are actually preventing them from doing that necessary internal work. We are robbing them of the exact kind of opportunities they need to learn how to make themselves behave and take responsibility for themselves.
Parent Coaching, my parenting class on consequences, or my YouTube video series on consequences are a great way to learn how to make all of this actually happen.